Music Performance

Back in November I was talking to my Latin professor, at first about the topic for my final paper, but then about music. He said something to the effect of that it must be wonderful to play in orchestra, to feel like you are an integral part of the whole.

Back in December I decided to give my parents copies of the recordings of any ensembles I had played in at Swarthmore (orchestra and chamber stuff). I was in an ensemble that played Appalachian Spring in fall 2007 and our recording held up really well, I was impressed with how good we sounded.

Anyway, my Latin professor's comment has been kicking around in my head since then. What do I feel in orchestra? Do I ever feel like I am an integral part of the whole? The truth is I do not. I know I am (at least a bit) important, since I'm the only bassoon. But usually I'm just concentrating on my part (don't screw up) without trying to pay attention to my surroundings. Appalachian Spring - it was quite a revelation to finally hear everyone else. I was pretty narrowly focused on my own part, or listening for a cue to signal hey I've gotta start playing again soon. I'm particularly thinking of the strings here - during the rehearsals, I only paid attention to them if they screwed up. I paid more attention, perhaps, to the flute and clarinet and piano, partly because they were closer to me, partly because their tones were distinct, partly because I was relying on them for cues more than the strings. Orchestra - pretty similar situation. I pay attention to the cellos, I guess, when my part is doubling them and Andrew (orchestra director) says we need to blend better. I'd say when I'm consciously trying to fit inside the sound of another group in the orchestra, that's when I feel most like an integral part of the whole. But that doesn't happen too often, so I guess you can take that as a sign that I am a poor musician, or at least that I'm not as good as I think I am.

Mind you, I know I suck in college. I was good in high school. Back then I never thought too much about trying to consciously fit into the ensemble. In my defense, bassoon is a peculiar instrument - there never are very many in any ensemble (except a bassoon ensemble) and they provide color. (For instance, I provide the color blue.) When the bassoon is exposed, it is meant to be heard and to stick out. If not the composer is writing badly.

Anyway! I feel troubled that I don't feel like an integral part of the whole in orchestra. I have no idea what to do about it. I feel another question coming on: well, that sensation is supposed to be an incentive to do orchestra. Why do I do orchestra? For fun. It gives me something to do. I enjoy playing bassoon. The music we play is (generally) more interesting than the music from HS. The folks in college orchestra are much better (better behaved and smarter) than folks from HS band or orchestra. The orchestra needs a bassoon. Probably some other reasons that I forget. I find orchestra worthwhile and I intend to do it until I graduate. But I feel a little sad that I'll never feel like an integral part of the whole.

An appendix on piano: I've always liked playing piano better than bassoon - bassoon doesn't get the melody too much, solo piano always gets the melody. No eight-note chords or thundering octaves on bassoon. I always feel like I'm performing for an unseen audience whenever I practice piano, unless I'm in the early stages of learning a piece - when I'm playing it hands apart and trying to see how it fits together, what the patterns are. Is that weird? Maybe! I'll probably have much more to say about piano in future entries.

Upon rereading this, it occurs to me that I may have been making an unconscious metaphor about alienation at college, or something. You probably shouldn't take it that way. At college, I don't feel alienated. Mostly I feel busy and that I have too much work to do. And when I'm as busy as I usually am I can't waste that much time on angst. Unless it's angst about classes! :D If you would like to read a metaphor about alienation I suggest the Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka.

When I was writing a xanga I randomly sometimes inserted moments of Zen. Today I was reading a blogger on the Atlantic, Ta-Nehisi Coates, who I like to think of as the senior black blogger (ala Larry Wilmore) for that magazine. Moment of Zen. Hope that link works.